Letting Go

September 28 2009.

The day my life changed forever.

I got a phone call from my brother saying “I’m sitting here looking at the first picture of your first niece or nephew”

I screamed. Loud. I cried. I was so happy. I have waited for this for SO long. It was my dream, cousins for my kids to enjoy, little ones to spoil and send home to their mom and dad.

I hated living in Texas while my brother was in Colorado. I wanted to be able to touch the belly and see it grow with my own eyes. But thankfully, Facebook is an awesome tool and I was able to watch her grow through pictures. They called him Piglet.

They came and visited for Thanksgiving

I got to see the bump in person. I loved it.

Just a week later, the news came. It was hard, but we hoped.

JoJo bought the first gift for Sam.

It was the only thing I had for a while. I was scared to hope to much.

Then another call. M had been admitted to the hospital. The doctor didn’t see the markers the first doctor had seen. In fact, she saw a healthy brain. Hope swelled.

And I started buying:

I have all his things packed in a box in my bedroom. I plan on donating them to a local NICU. When I’m ready.

I’m not ready.

I’m working on letting go. Letting go of the dreams in my head of cousins and nephews. Those dreams have to wait for now. This is so not what I thought becoming an aunt would be like. But its the cards we were dealt. I grieve. I grieve with my brother and sister in law. I grieve the loss of the relationship I so looked forward to.

I will be passing on Sam’s things.

When I’m ready.

However, I will be holding on to this, forever and always.

They called him Piglet.